Torn & Tormented
by theboyfriend-and-theprettygirl
Summary: Addison is back in Derek's life & wants to work on their relationship; but Meredith is not giving up without a fight! Derek is TORN..Should he sign the divorce papers & make Addison leave or should he say goodbye to Meredith? Who should he let go? Addison x Derek
1. 8 Pages

**Author's Note:**

Hello my fellow Addek lovers!  
Its been a while since I have written any stories for this amazing couple or updated the two stories that I have on here. (I have mainly been writing other fan fiction stories)

The other night I was in the biggest Addie & Derek mood, so I figured that I should read my fics to see if I could finish them. Upon doing so I realised that they needed some refining- so I will be editing BOTH of my ADDEK stories before updating them again.

Please feel free to read them again from the start- as I am adding new parts and editing some of the story.

Also if you like this story and want me to continue..please leave a review for me;)

Paris xoox

* * *

Derek stared at the thick yellow envelope on his desk. He had no idea, how long he sat there turning the envelope over in his hands; dropping it back onto the desk and pushing it away again; contemplating what to do with it. He already knew what was inside the envelope…but somehow he couldn't bring himself to open it. On way or another the papers inside that A4 envelope would change his life forever and that scared him.

_Just get it over with._ He thought, mentally scolding himself. He was tired, overworked and beyond exhausted. He was knew that the sooner that he addressed the issue at hand, the sooner that he could go back to his trailer and sleep. It had been a long, tiring day and he was coming off a double shift; every bone in his tired body was aching for some sort of relief that only rest could provide. Sighing heavily, he reached across the desk and took the envelope into his sweaty, clammy shaking hands again. _It's now or never_, he thought to himself as he tipped out the contents onto his timber desk. _Time to decide Derek…Time to make your choice...No more procrastinating!_

x

Addison was starting to get really worried. She had not seen or heard from Derek since the morning, when she had handed him the divorce papers. Papers that she did not want to sign; let alone offer to her husband! But Addison could tell that this is what Derek had wanted.

Despite her best efforts to try and make Derek see that she never stopped loving him and wanted to fix their estranged relationship; she had finally caved in when she saw that this is _not _what he wanted any more. She loved her husband too much to see him stay in their deteriorating marriage out of obligation to her. She loved him, but her love was not enough. She did not want a resentful husband or a husband that clearly was in love with someone else. She knew that she had nobody but herself to blame for her current predicament. She had cheated on the man that she loved. She had ended their eleven year marriage by her infidelity. It was only fair to say that Derek had every right to _not _want to forgive her and give their marriage another chance. _What was that phrase?...Once a cheater..._She thought glumly as she chewed on the end of one of her pens.

Coming to Seattle had been a mistake. A part of her always knew that her marriage had ended when Derek packed his things and fled their apartment without another word or a second glance. However, the more dominant, somewhat _persistent_ part of her, always taunted her into believing that if she were to show up in Seattle and make a big love declaration to her husband, he would believe her and they could work things out. She was only now starting to see how _wrong _she had been to think that. Not only was Derek unimpressed to see her, he had clearly not even forgiven her and was now in a relationship with Meredith Grey. Seeing how quickly it had taken her husband to move on, had stabbed her to the very heart. She had no intention of cheating on her husband at the time with his best friend Mark. She had been feeling neglected at home because Derek was always working and staying at the hospital longer than usual...and well Mark was there to _comfort_ her, every time she cried about the long hours her husband worked...or how he chose work over his wife...how she felt insignificant. And through her insecurities, Mark managed to find a way into her head, making her feel appreciated and valued; making her feel special and making her believe that Derek had it all wrong to put her last all the time. After a while, Mark had made his way into her bed. Addison shuddered quickly; instantly repulsed by her actions last year. If she could only go back in time and stop herself from making the biggest mistake of her life, then she would not be in this heartbreaking situation right now!

_How can you be so stupid, Addie?_ She thought to herself, shaking her head in disbelief. _Look at the mess that you created for yourself!_ She knew that Derek would not be overly thrilled to see her again; but then again she did not expect to find him in love with someone else. His relationship with Meredith had foiled her plans to reunite with him. Now she not only had to convince her husband that she was sorry, that she still loved him and wanted to make things right; but she also had to out do everything that made Meredith so desirable to him. Two women fighting over one man, felt a little too much like games immature teenagers played not like successful surgeons! Nevertheless, she tried. She begged Derek to forgive her..to give their marriage a second chance. Then she tried her best too woo him when begging did not work. But still nothing and yet every day that she stayed in Seattle, uninvited and unexpected like a annoying rash , was another day that she realised that he was only starting to resent her more and more. So Addison called her lawyer, drafted up a set of divorce papers and offered Derek a way out. After all she had done her bit to save their marriage..now the choice would be up to him ultimately and whatever he decided would allow them both to move forward with their lives. Offering Derek the divorce papers had been the hardest thing that she had had to do in her life and she felt physically sick to her stomach thinking about what he would do with them.

Addison looked at the clock on the war and sighed heavily. It had been six hours since she had given Derek the choice. The choice to sign the papers and end their marriage for good; or the choice to try to rebuild their life together.

_Had Derek already decided to end the marriage? Is that why he was avoiding her? Was he scared of her reaction when he handed her back the signed copies?_ She thought as she bit down onto her bottom lip. Addison, who was always usually cool and collected, was starting to feel a nervous anxiety spread throughout her body. _Please Derek, don't sign the papers!_ She repeated over and over again, as she rested her head into her arms and started to cry.

x

Despite already knowing that the envelope held hisdivorce papers; Derek couldn't shake the nauseating feeling that suddenly washed over him when he saw the papers before him for the first time.

He couldn't bring himself to read through the papers right then, he wasn't ready to make a decision. Those eight pages would determine the rest of his life and that honestly _scared _him.

He knew that this day would come; knew that it was only a matter of time before he was hit with divorce papers. He just always expected, to find them one day out of the blue, when he was opening the mail in his trailer at home. He never in a million years would have dreamed that his wife Addison, would _personally_ deliver them to him.

Pushing the papers aside, Derek reached out for his now cold cappuccino and took a small sip. _Yuck that's disgusting_, he thought as he swallowed the cold liquid quickly and threw the cup into the trash bin under his desk.

He really needed that coffee. He had been too stressed today. Meredith had been avoiding ever since his wife showed up him and Addison was hot on his heels, trying to make him decide whether she should stay in Seattle or head back to New York.

_How did he ever get himself into this situation? What had he done to deserve this? He obviously had pissed off God or some other higher power…._

Derek sighed heavily and dropped his head into his hands and started to massage his temples.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"I'm off duty Yang." Derek said without looking up from his hands. He recognised the somewhat annoying voice of Meredith's best friend Christina without having to look at her.

"I know-but its urgent. We need a consult." Christina said stubbornly, pushing the situation.

"Find someone else." Derek mumbled angrily through his hands. "I'm leaving for the day... I've done more than 20 hours."

"Dr Shepherd… its for the Chief- " Christina said hesitating a little.

Derek snapped his head up to look at her for the first time. Christina searched his face nervously as she played with her hands in front of her. He could tell that she was in an awkward position. Christina was stubborn and competitive; but she would _never_ disrespect one of the attendings.

"What is it?" Derek asked his tone calming down into concern as he spoke.

"He needs a consult on his niece…"

"What happened?" he asked standing up quickly and heading out of his office with Christina and into the corridor.

"She's experienced serve head trauma, due to a serious of skull fractures…she was in a car accident…and she's pregnant." Christina said panting, trying to keep up with Derek's fast pace.

"How's the chief?" he asked, feeling a sudden stab of pain to his heart, as they quickened their pace.

"He's not doing too well… he's a wreck." Christina said avoiding Derek's concerned eyes as they stepped into the elevator.

x

"Tell me the _truth_ Derek; no sugar coating the facts; or giving me false hope. I want an _honest _answer." Chief Webber said to Derek once he had managed to get him alone; somewhere more privately to talk without any other interns around to invade on his privacy.

"Richard, it's going to be okay-" he said, trying his best to sound as convincing as he could. Derek, knew full well that he was a horrible liar.

"I want the truth Derek! Don't tell me that it'll be okay, if it's not going to be. I am not a patient! You don't need to_ lie_ to me!" he cried out.

"Richard... I'm sure she will be fine." Derek said running his fingers through his hair nervously. "We will do everything we can."

"Derek! I need to know! Adele is besides herself and I...I don't know what to do. Tell me, how _bad _is the damage?" Chief Webber asked flinching a little.

Derek sighed heavily and nodded. "If you want the truth, then fine. Its not looking good, Richard. It's _pretty_ bad."

Chief Webber bit down hard on his lip and started to pace the room.

"What's the synopsis?" he asked after a while, when he had stopped pacing.

"She's hemorrhaging here and here... there's a rupture here, can you see the dark mass over this side? She's losing a lot of blood. " Derek said pointing at the MRI scans. "We need to rush her into surgery right now, if we have any chance to... _save her." _he said sighing heavily. "Richard, I'm so sorry. I know this must be so hard on you and Adele, but I will need to get her into surgery straight away…we can't waste any more time."

"I've already booked an OR room…Yang and Karev are prepping Alisha for surgery now."

"Okay." Derek said nodding sombrely and walking out of the X-ray room.

"And the _baby?_" Richard called out, before Derek was out of sight. "Will the baby survive?"

"I'm hoping for the best; but you will need to speak to Addison about that." He said feeling his heart skip a little at the mention of his wife's name. "I'm sure that the baby will be in excellent hands. Addison is the best in her field, but you already know that."

x

"Richard, you paged?" Addison said rushing into the X-ray room, tying up her radiant red hair as she spoke.

"It's Alisha…she's been in an accident." Chief Webber said looking through foggy eyes. "Addie..she's eight months pregnant!"

"Oh Richard!" Addison said stepping forward to rub his arm up and down. "How bad is her condition?"

"She's hemorrhaging." Derek said coming into view, from behind Richard. "We need to get her into surgery right away."

"Oh." Addison said quickly dropping her eyes to the ground and blushing slightly. This was the first time since the divorce papers that she had seen her husband. _If he was still her husband!_ She thought. _Now is not the time to be thinking about Derek! Richard is going through hell and he needs you!_

"She's losing a lot of blood." Chief Webber said, his words just above a whisper.

"Right." Addison said fidgeting with her wedding ring. Derek saw this and sighed, he knew that she played with her ring whenever she was nervous. "I'll go and scrub up."

"I'll come with you." Derek said quickly, following Addison out of the door.

"I'll meet you both in the OR." Webber said heading towards the lift.

"Richard…" Derek said spinning around. "Don't you think you should stay with Adele?"

"No. I'm going to assist in the surgery." he said defiantly.

"Derek's right, Richard." Addison said quickly. "We will be fine. Adele will need you."

"No." he said quickly, without looking at them and pressing the up button on the lift. "I will tell Adele that she's going in for immediate surgery and then be back to join in the procedure."

"Richard…you can't." Addison begged with pleading eyes.

"Adele will be fine. She is comforting her sister! I am coming into the OR! End of discussion." He said before stepping into the lift and leaving Addison and Derek to look on in wonder.

x

Addison scrubbed her hands so hard with the antibacterial soap that, Derek had to place his hands on hers to stop her.

"They're clean Addie." He whispered softly, squeezing her hand gently.

Addison lifted her foggy eyes to Derek and nodded. Pulling away quickly, she reached for a paper towel and passed one to Derek.

"Thanks." He mumbled taking the towel.

Addison smiled briefly, and started walking towards the door to enter the OR, but Derek pulled her arm gently.

"I haven't decided what I want yet…" he said hoarsely. "I just need some time... I'm sorry."

A tear rolled down Addison's cheek and she nodded again, without a word.

_So he hadn't signed the papers yet? That was a good thing right? That meant that he maybe didn't want to sign them at all, because he hesitated Was there still hope for them?_

Not sure what to say to this news, Addison turned towards the door again, but Derek pulled at her arm again gently.

"Addison…I do lo-"

"We're ready for you two Dr. Shepherds." Christina Yang said, opening the door to the OR and cutting Derek off.

Derek cursed under his breath and Addison followed Christina into the OR room. Addison wondering if Derek was about to say that he _was_ still in love with her; Derek wishing he got a chance to finish his bloody sentence.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Please leave a review if you want more :p

xoox


	2. Complications on the OR

Derek found it particularly hard to concentrate on Alisha's surgery; and the pressure of the procedure was starting to take a toll on his already tired body. He was no stranger to stressful, complicated situations in the OR. He had performed so many difficult surgeries, that dealing with pressure was almost second nature to him. Over time, Derek had learnt to control his stress; he had found a way to not let the pressure get to him and that technique had seemedto work well for him. It had actually worked so well that now, after almost eight years of being a Neurosurgeon; he was used to the pressure of this complex operation.

He knew this procedure off by heart; having performed it so many throughout his career; and yet somehow the pressure Derek was starting to feel now, was a _different_ pressure to his regular operating complications. Without having to think on the matter for too long, he knew why he was under duress stress. This surgery was different to any other; this surgery a little _too close_ to his heart! This was not some random person who he was operating. Chief Webber's niece was lying unconscious on his operating table and he held the _fate_ of the outcome.

Derek sighed heavily and turned his neck around from side to side, trying to stretch it a little. Quickly glancing up at the clock, he noticed that he had been at this for two hours already.

Only two hours in and his exhausted body was starting to shake from being pushed beyond what it could bare. He knew that he should have gone home when his shift had ended, instead of spending hours contemplating whether or whether not to sign his divorce papers. He might have been able to catch a little sleep, giving his poor body a well-deserved rest before being summoned again for this operation. Now he was paying the price. He honestly hoped that his performance in Alisha's surgery would not become affected by his lack of sleep and tiredness of his body.

"How's it looking, Derek?" Chief Webber asked coming around to Derek's side.

"So far so good, we've managed to contain the bleeding…but there are still a lot of blood clots around here that I need to work on." Derek said pointing to the section of Alisha's brain where the clots were.

"What can I do to help?"

"You could go and check on your wife."

"Derek! What can I do to help in here! What can I do in the surgery!" he growled angrily. "Why is everyone _excluding_ me? I am the Chief of this hospital!"

"Yes, but you are also a blood relative of Alisha, and therefore not allowed to operate on her!" Derek said quickly glancing up at the Chief to see how he took the news. "Sorry Richard, but its protocol! I didn't make the rules. You know that it is operating on family is unethical."

"Screw protocol! I don't care if it's unethical! That is my niece! I wantin on the surgery."

Derek was really starting to feel more pressured as he fought with the Chief. He was also not used to performing a complex surgery like this in front of a relative, so the Chief's presence was really throwing him off his game. He really wished he would just go and wait in the waiting room with Adele like he was supposed to!

_Positive thoughts Derek; you can do this._ He thought to himself, trying to be as optimistic as possible. _Ignore him and he'll go away._

"Derek! Did you hear what I said? Don't ignore me, I know you can hear me."

"Richard!" Derek snapped angrily. "I know that you are concerned and stressed… and not yourself at the moment…but I am doing everything I can for Alisha! But you have to stop pestering me; otherwise I will make a mistake and it could be fatal!"

Chief Webber seeing the concern in Derek's eyes, nodded and left Derek alone. Addison looked up at Derek and half smiled. Derek recognized that smile; it was one that said that, she knew that he was doing his best and she was _proud_ of him. For a moment there, Derek kept Addison's gaze; his tired eyes searching her concerned face. _What was she thinking about at that very moment?_ He thought, as he continued to look longingly at his wife.

He knew she was upset about something; he could see it in her tired eyes. That was one of the things that he loved about her so much; his ability to always know how she was feeling without having to verbally communicate to each other. He knew everything about Addison; from how she liked her tea, to what her favourite book was, to what would make her cry and when she would be strong; he knew when she was emotionally affected by a patient and when she was thinking about her parents. He knew her too well. But this time, he wasn't so sure what had made her so upset. _Was it the divorce papers? Was she expecting his answer already? Was she upset that he hadn't chosen? _Derek sighed heavily. He couldn't tell what Addison was feeling or thinking anymore and that _pained_ him. It was the kind of hurt that achedstronger and was like a stab directly to the heart. Maybe the months of being distant and apart, that taken a toll on their relationship, or maybe they had both changed since he had left New York. Either way, for the first time in Derek's life, he couldn't tell what was bothering his wife; and that _bothered_ him deeply.

x

Addison sighed. _There must be a rule about doing surgeries with a spouse_, she thought to herself, as she kept Derek's attentive gaze. _Especially when things are so complicated…and when he is so fricken hot! _A small smile spread across her lips. _Focus Addison, focus! _She said mentally scolding herself. _But how could she? And who could blame her?_ She was so in love with her husband, that focusing on anything else, felt like wasted time.

Today was the first day that she had seen her husband in eight months. Eight long months of torture and agony; so she was planning on sucking up every second of it! After all, she didn't know how much more time she would have with him, in the event that he chose Meredith and sent her back to New York with divorce papers in hand.

The day had not gotten off to a good start. She had gone to his trailer to visit him, only to find him with _her. _Despite pouring her heart out to him last night in the supplies room of the hospital and feeling like there _might _have been a chance that he still loved her; seeing Meredith had proved her wrong. So on the way back to her hotel, she had rung her lawyer to fax over the drafted copies of the divorce papers she had asked to be made in the event that Derek did not want to reconcile. She had waited in his office with them and as soon as he had entered, she had given him the choice. A choice that she had not wanted to make available to the man that she still loved.

She hadn't seen her husband in eight months and now she might _never_ see him again after this surgery and that hurt her. She hadn't even had one last full day with him before he made her decision. She kind of felt like he had avoided her after she gave him the papers. She had wanted to check up on him throughout the day, to see if he had signed them or not- but she didn't want to influence him or pressure him into do something he didn't want. She wanted him to make the decision for himself without feeling guilty. At least that way, whatever he had chosen would be what _he _wanted. As much as handing over the way out to the marriage that she did not want to end hurt her, she knew that she had done the _right _thing.

She loved Derek with the whole heart and soul but seeing him unhappy, seeing the look of disappointment on his face, the look of pain and disgust in his eyes...made it hard for her _not _to hand him the papers. From that moment on, it was Derek's call; the ball was in his court. He held the _choice_ to resume or end their marriage…and there was _nothing _she could do! She had already pleaded her case last night in the supplies closest. She had already said that she was sorry. Sorry that she had cheated on him. Sorry that it had been with Mark of all people. Sorry that she had hurt him. She had already begged him and drilled at him to pick her; to _chose her. _Now all she could do, was sit back and wait until he decided…however _long _that took.

"Dr Shepherd?" Alex Karev said snapping Addison out of her thoughts.

"Yes Karev," she said moving her eyes away from Derek's face.

"The baby's heart rate is dropping."

"_Quick,_ pass me that scalpel," Addison said pointing to the tray of equipment by Alex.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked once he had handed over the scalpel.

"We need to operate. There's no time, we are going to have to do an emergency C-Setion. Otherwise we will lose the baby." Addison said, taking the scalpel into her hands.

x

"Addison…what's happening?" Chief Webber asked rushing over to Addison's side. _"Addie?"_

"Richard, we have to do an emergency C-Section, everything should be alright…but I need you to wait over there. There's nothing you can do here."

Richard started to pace up and down the OR.

"Tell me what I can do…" he said hysterically. "Make me your intern…Karev, go…you are off this case."

"What?" Alex and Addison snapped simultaneously.

"Richard, I needhim!" Addison snapped.

"What did I do?" Alex asked annoyed.

"I said, you are no longer on this case…now _go_." Richard growled ignoring Alex's question. "Now tell me what I can do, Addie."

"But-but…" Alex said stammering, through a clenched jaw.

"Karev, I am the Chief of this hospital… you don't want to get on my bad side!"

"And _you, _don't want to get on _my _bad side_!_" said a voice behind him.

Richard recognized that voice and cringed. The voice belonged to Miranda Bailey; the only person that Chief Webber was actually sacred of.

"I thought you were on_ leave _until the baby came." Richard asked without turning around.

"I am on leave…well at least I was, until Addison paged me and told me that you were insisting on operating on your niece!" Miranda Bailey snapped, folding her hands over her pregnant self. "I was at home, in my pajamas, enjoying my time off and catching up on some bold and the beautiful; before I was paged! Now, are you going to tell me what the _hell _you are doing in here? You know that you are you not meant to be in here; due to ethical reasons which you as the Chief of this hospital should be able to know and recite from heart!"

"Miranda, I need to be here-" Richard said pleading.

"You need to be with your family! You should be comforting your wife and sister-in-law! They are a wreck! I passed them in the hall. Do you even know _how _to be a supportive husband? Your wife needs you, she is not coping well!"

Richard turned around and looked at Miranda, shaking his head stubbornly.

"I'm staying and that's final. I'm helping Addison with the baby, I took Karev off the case."

Miranda rolled her eyes. "Karev, take over from Chief Webber,"she barked quickly, "he is no longer on the case!"

"You can't do that Miranda, I'm the Chief-"

"I don't care _who_ you are," Miranda snapped angrily, cutting Chief Webber off. _"_Right now, you are a relative of Alisha and therefore not allowed to be in this OR! So either you go to her right now to your family without another word; or I swear to you that I will call the hospital board and commitee on you and they will revoke your operating license. I have them on speed dial Chief, so if you do not start moving in the next minute, I will do it. GO!" Miranda barked loudly, pointing to the exit of the OR."

"But-"

_"No buts,_ Richard. I'm pregnant and _hormonal_ and I will physically kick you out, if I have to… do you really want to take on a pregnant woman?"

"Fine." He said pulling off his gloves, "Karev get back here and help Addison."

"That's what I thought!" Said Miranda in a matter of fact tone, winking at Addison, as Richard walked out of the OR.

"Thank you._"_ Addison said.

"My pleasure." she said smugly. "Now I will be upstairs with Adele and the family, in case he decides to come back down here and give you all grief." Miranda said walking out of the OR.

"Okay Karev, let's save this baby." Addison said calling him back over to her.


	3. Memories

"What are the risks involving premature births Karev?" Addison Shepherd asked a visibly shell -shocked Alex, as she cut the umbilical cord that connected Alisha to her baby girl.

"Uh- uh-" Alex stuttered as Addison handed over Alisha's baby to him.

"Karev?"

"She's going to be ok, _right?_ She's so tiny." Alex said staring down at the little life in his hands.

"Karev, I asked you a question!" Addison snapped. "What are the risks involving premature births?"

"Jaundice, respiratory distress syndrome, anemia, apnea," Isobel Stevens said answering the question for Alex. "Infections, blindness, low blood pressure, brain hemorrhage, and intestine and bowel infections."

"Good work Stevens." Addison said thoroughly impressed. "Stevens, would you mind taking Alisha's baby up to the NICU section with Alex…at least _someone_ will be able to keep an eye on her that _knows_ what they are doing."Addison said looking up at Alex who looked completely out of place.

"Hey!"Alex said defensively, as he placed the baby into an incubator. "I was shocked. I've never seen a baby that small before! Besides, Izzie forgot to mention... undeveloped body organs."

"That is also very true Karev," Addison said a small smile spreading across her face. "Now, go with Stevens to the NICU and stay by the baby…I'll finish up with Alisha. Izzie, keep an eye on her, make sure that she's breathing properly; you don't want her to suffer from respiratory distress syndrome."

"Okay,"

"Page me, if anything happens." Addison said.

"Yes of course." Izzie said nodding, before she exited the OR behind Alex.

"Good work Addison!"Derek smiled looking up at his wife.

Addison's heart fluttered slightly. Derek was smiling at her!_ That was a sign, right?_ She thought as she tried to stop her cheeks from turning red.

"Thanks Derek." She said smiling back.

It had been more than eight months since she had seen her husband smile. So despite it being a very brief one; it still gave Addison a lot of hope. And for the first time since she had arrived in Seattle, Addison felt somewhat **relieved.** That was not to say, that she wasn't still nervous about what Derek would decide, but for that brief moment when he was smiling at her; she felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders. It felt amazing…even if it was only temporarily!

Derek couldn't pull his eyes away from Addison's face. It was almost impossible to concentrate on the surgery now.

He had forgotten how beautiful his wife was. Not seeing her radiant face in the last eight months had really thrown him off; but Addison had not changed one bit. She was still absolutely gorgeous and her face glowed whenever they made eye contact with each other.

Just looking at Addison, as she worked away on Alisha, completely unaware of his constant gaze; he felt a surge of emotions overcome him. It was like was being hit with a wave of memories…things that reminded him of all their happy times as a couple; before the cheating; before his neglecting her; before his long nights at the hospital and his skipped meals. It was memories of when they first met; how nervous he was when he asked her out and the bolt of electricity that shot through his whole body the first time he had kissed her. Their first date and how much he mumbled like a dork that wasn't able to sting a line of sentences together. He had prayed so hard for the date to be over with already because he was so sure that she would never want to see him again and he just wanted to get it over with to spare him the embarrassment. The day he proposed by taking her to the Ice Rink at the Rockafella Center where they had their second date….their perfect wedding day- the happiest day of his life and the only day where he was unable to control his nerves as the most beautiful woman walked up to him to take him as her husband. All memories of the times that they had been in love came flooding back to him like it all had just happened yesterday. This was the woman that he was the woman that he was utterly crazy about. She was the love of his life… She was his Addison still!

It was almost as if nothing had changed since she had cheated; he was still so in love with her and that it made him angry. Because he secretly wanted to hate her for throwing away their life together; for cheating on him with Mark and for hurting him so bad! But as much as he wanted to be over her, and he had _tried_- hence his fling with Meredith- He couldn't seem to do it.

Derek couldn't help how he felt about Addison. How he still thought about her constantly. How he still dreamed about her at night.

Some nights were easier than others to get through; but most were extremely hard.

Some nights, the only thing that got him through them was pretending that he was lying next to Addison when he was hugging Meredith! He felt bad to use Meredith like that; he knew that she was absolutely crazy about him. But he couldn't help how he felt. He always secretly knew that he was still madly in love with his wife; that was the reason that he left New York in the first place! Because in his eyes, cheating was_ never _ok; but when Addison did it… he was almost ready to take her into his arms and tell her that it was ok; that he didn't care and that he was sorry that he had neglected her; sorry that she had to find love and comfort in the arms of another man; sorry that he wasn't there for her, when she needed him the most!

His whole concept of cheating was questioned; so that in that spilt second he realized that Addison had made him change what he believed in. He was not the same person he used to be at all; because before he met Addison cheating and adultery repulsed him and he would have ended the marriage then and there on the spot…but his love for Addison hadn't allowed him to do that. The night of Addison's cheating was the hardest of his life! He had never been so tormented and torn…_Should he just forgive her and work on his marriage or should he leave?_ The decision had driven him mad!

He hated himself for even considering to forgive her; because it went against his morals and everything he believed in. Everything he was taught to believe by his parents. He knew that staying in New York would mean that he would forgive his wife and a part of him wanted that more than anything. But he also knew that he needed to really think on the matter; to not make a rushed decision. He needed to be a hundred percentage sure that he was alright with being with someone who had ultimately broken his heart into a million pieces. So that was the reason Derek took the neurosurgeon position available at Seattle Grace Hospital. He needed space and a clear head to think. That was the reason why he needed to move away from New York and Addison. He had moved to see if he could live without his wife, who at one point of his life had been his entire _world. _He never intended staying away for so long. He thought three months tops and he would be back to her, because into his _first week_ at Seattle Grace he had realised that time apart was _not _what he wanted. Coming to Seattle to get over his wife had not worked. Despite being in a sexual relationship with Meredith- because lets face it he was a guy and he had _needs- _she had not helped as serving as a distraction to Addie. A part of him wished that he had not started a relationship with Meredith as things would be so much easier and less complicated now with Addison back in his life. But another part of him knew that Meredith had just reaffirmed that he wanted nobody other than Addison! He needed to move on from her for a bit, so when he decided to take her back, he wouldn't feel like he didn't look for other options. Meredith was a nice girl but he had never really managed to push his wife aside.

_That had to be love, right?_ Derek thought to himself. Despite the cheating, the hurt and the betrayal- Addison was the woman that Derek wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

"Dr. Shepherd," Christina Yang cried out hysterically, snapping Derek out of his thoughts. "She's flat lining!"


	4. Jealousy

Meredith felt sick.

Sick to her stomach.

Sick, like she was going to vomit at any moment!

_Why are you doing this to yourself? _She thought, as she tightly gripped the bottom of the seat that she was sitting on.

She had no idea why she sitting in the theatre room watching the surgery. Chief Webber had taken her off the case that morning. He had said at the time, that it had something to do with her working too many hours in a row; and therefore he had ordered her to go home and rest. But she knew better than that. The real reason that she had been taken off his nieces' surgery; had to do with _her_: Addison Shepherd, Derek's cheating, adulterous ex-wife; who also happened to be so gorgeously beautiful that Meredith's chances of Derek still picking her over Addison; were now clearly slim to _none._

Meredith, who was starting to feel extremely anxious started shaking her legs together and apart. She had been shaking them so long and hard that, her legs were now burning; almost as if she had just done a killer cardio work out. But the ache in her sore legs was nothing compared to the stabs that her heart felt every time Derek looked up at his wife.

_He obviously still loves her. So why torment yourself?_ She thought to herself; as her mind started to feel with all kind of thoughts from doubt to insecurity to worthlessness.

_Go home, Meredith!_ She mentally scolded herself. She knew that this is only making her more upset!

Sighing heavily she stood up and was ready to leave the theatre, when she caught Derek's eyes on her, making her stop abruptly.

Meredith waited for the smile. The smile, that Derek always gave her, whenever he wanted to tell her that 'things would be okay'.

But it never came.

Derek dropped his eyes quickly from her and then looked back at his beautiful wife.

A sort of jealousy surged throughout Meredith's veins; making her blood boil as she clenched her hands into tight fists.

She_ hated_ Addison Montgomery Shepherd with a burning passion! She didn't care that she hadn't known her personally to come to that conclusion. In her eyes, she was the enemy. She was the enemy getting in the way of her future happiness with Derek, the man she was crazy in love with. In her eyes, she was just one of those people you hate; without giving them a chance to redeem themselves. Meredith would never judge someone without knowing them better; she was always gave people the benefit of the doubt; but she would not make that exception for Addison.

Addison was the only thing standing in the way of the life she wanted with Derek. Two days ago, her life had seemed perfect and now, it was a chaotic mess! Her perfect world, the life that she had created with Derek, had been turned upside down the second the fiery red-head had appeared at Seattle Grace Hospital. Since then, Meredith was not able to get a moment's break from the small voice in her head that taunted her with the insecurities she was starting to feel.

_Derek loved her, right?_ They had been together for the last eight months. Surely that meant something to him!

He was going to pick her over Addison, right? He had to pick her, his loving, loyal girlfriend over a cheating spouse! He would be so stupid to throw away what they had for someone that couldn't stay faithful to him in the first place! She thought, as she started to over analyse every single detail; like she did whenever she was stressed out.

All she needed at this point was one smile from him. One small smile and she would be thoroughly content. She would know that she was still in this and that he hadn't given up hope on her just yet. One little smile to say that he loved her, that he would pick her in a heartbeat, that she had nothing to worry about with Addison showing up; that he was crazy about _her_ and not his ex wife!

Meredith waited, as patiently as she could for the smile; praying to a God that she did not believe in for some form of hope. And almost as if as her prayers had been somewhat answered; she saw Derek's smile. The small smile instantly relaxed her and made her heart skip for joy quickly and then fall back to the bottom of her stomach in an instant.

Derek was smiling, but it was not at her.

He was smiling at Addison.

He was smiling at his ex wife. The woman that had broken his heart when she had cheated on him.

Suddenly the nauseating feeling re-surfaced again and Meredith felt like she was about to throw up all over the theatre room. She needed to get out of there and get some fresh air to clear her head. Negative thoughts started to fill her brain, as the memories she cherished with Derek started to fade out, almost as if a distant memories of a happier time in her former life. Hot tears burned her eyes and came flooding down her cheeks.

_Was this really the end?_

x

_Don't be jealous, Addie…_

Jealousy is a rotten trait to possess…patience is much better! Addison said to herself as she pulled off her gloves. _Don't look up at her again…stay calm… _she repeated over and over in her head. Don't let her get the best of you! She is only doing this to get a reaction of out you. She is trying to get under your skin, to show you that she is not threatened by you and that she will not be phased by you. You need to be the better person here! You need to keep a cool head, stay above her level and keep your dignity... You do not have to lower yourself to her tacky standards!

But despite the constant drilling, it was a lot harder to_ not_ look up at Meredith, than she had thought!

Addison hated the way that Meredith stared at her husband. She hated the way that she longed for him. She hated how she shot daggers with her eyes whenever she saw her. Meredith was clearly possessive of Derek and saw her as the competition.

But Meredith had another thing coming, if she thought that Addison would give up on Derek without a fight! Derek was not only her husband; but the love of her life…and she was not going to back down that easily. As long as Derek still showed that he loved her; Addison was determined to fight to the end, to reclaim their love!

Addison had finished all that she could with Alisha's emergency C- Section surgery. Everything looked good on her end and Alisha had successfully given birth to a beautiful baby girl. Now, all that was left to do was wait for Derek and that was going to take a lot of patience.

Derek had managed to pull Alisha back out of the danger zone. He had managed to revive her after she had flat lined, shortly after Addison had delivered her baby girl. According to Derek, the rest of the surgery was smooth sailing from there on; the blood colts were removed and Alisha's internal brain bleeding was contained. Derek was just finishing up the final touches on her and he was eminent that he would only be another half hour.

"Addison?" Derek asked, as she was about to exit the OR.

"Yes?" She asked quickly snapping up her head; her heart pumping a lot faster than usual.

"I was wondering… if you would wait for me in the foyer. I will be finishing up soon."

A small smile spread across Addison's lips and she nodded. Her heart fluttered uncontrollably at the smile; Derek always had that sort of affect on her and she loved it.

"Okay then, I'll see you in twenty minutes." He said, his smile spreading wider across his face.

"See you then." She said smiling back, before she walked out of the OR.

Had the OR's scrubbing room not been made out of glass; Addison would have jumped up and down on the spot like a crazy woman. She was certain that Derek was going to avoid her as long as possible. She never would have thought that she would be meeting up with him tonight, instead of heading back to her empty hotel room alone and miserable.

He had smiled at her. That had to be some sort of sign, right? Was he maybe wanting to speak to her about giving their marriage a second chance? Addison did not want to get too ahead of herself or get her hopes up high, only to be disappointed again; but it had to be good news that he wanted to see her. Why else would he smile at her?_ He surely would not be smiling at her, if he had decided to sign the divorce papers! S_he thought as she scrubbed her hands under the running tap; her eyes never leaving Derek's gorgeous face.

x

**Author's Note:**

Hey guys, I don't know if anybody is still reading this because I am not getting any reviews. I will leave this story up for about a week, but if I am not feeling any love I will more than likely delete it and focus on my other stories on here. For anybody out there that wants me to continue, please let me know. It would be nice to know that I am not writing in vain. Thanks!

**Paris x**


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